Maturity is primarily characterized by mutuality.
Mutuality is the capacity to accurately see and know another person as they are without projecting yourself onto them.
We call this self/other differentiation.
The clearer I see you, the healthier will be my response to you.
The cloudier I see you, based upon my own projection, the more off-base will be my communications with you.
When you are trapped in tight, closed ways of thinking, you have to see others as you need to see them, not as they are.
Consequently you can never really connect with them, or them with you, because you would have to change how you think and know your world to be.
Most people are full of ideas of how other people should be and how they should or should not act.
The crunch comes when you get bent out of shape because others are not acting or being in ways that you think are essential to their relating to you.
Some even talk of wanting to be surrounded by “like-minded” people.
Good luck with that.
If you’re experiencing a shortage of like-minded people in your world, or your like-minded people are just not behaving like you think they should, chances are you’re the problem –at least you’re not in the solution.
Chances are you are walking away from your strengths, or can’t even connect with them.
You’re living in an a more pervasive experience of what’s not working, seeing it even as more a permanent part of you, than temporary and limited in nature.
How permanent and pervasive can you make the good things in you? In your life?
Are you holding on more tightly to your worldview, and your consequent view of others, whether it works or not?
How is that an expression of your UpSpiral, your Emotional Scale, the range of your optimism, or the pervasiveness of your focus on what’s missing or not working?
The more you do try and hold on, even cling, to your view of how others should be, the more others behave less and less like you think they should.
These “others” also have the complete and utter nerve to suggest that you might be the problem, or they just outright tell you that you’re the problem.
Of course, you know that you’re not.
These “others” become more and more wrong, and you hold more and more rigidly to the idea of being right rather than being happy.
Happy with that, are you?
© Dr. William K. Larkin